Living!

I wrote on this blog previously about music and the effect it has on my mood. And how I have started a ‘three sad song’ rule in order to bring myself out of the darkness even though it jars to play a song that doesn’t fit with the angst inside.

Yesterday I had a similar experience without music. I was attending a colleague’s wedding. I didn’t know many people and those I did know weren’t close. It would be inevitable polite chit chat which I feared would drain me in my current mood. The wedding started at 2pm. I had a strong gin & tonic before I left. I even thought about what excuse I could make not to go.

Sat in the church I made small talk with an acquaintance. I told myself to ignore the darkness. To do what Sarah would do on a day when the darkness wasn’t so powerful. When it wasn’t threatening to take control. So I asked about this acquaintance’s new job, his partner’s search for a job (which I found I could help him with), and his new flat. It was nice. I started to warm up. The darkness started to retreat.

At the wedding breakfast I was on a table with the groom’s friends. All people I did not know. But I continued asking questions. I turned on business me. And people love be to talk about themselves. But then they started asking me questions in return. And I replied. This sounds so easy doesn’t it but those in the darkness will know it is not. I had to force it. But I enjoyed doing so. It made me feel happy. I wasn’t forcing myself to do something I didn’t want to do, as I have been known to do in the past. I wanted to make an effort to enjoy myself. So while it was effort, enjoy myself I did.

I left at 11pm quietly. The dancing was in full flow but I was very tired. I went to bed happy. For the first time I can remember the darkness didn’t stop me living.