Being Strategically Selfless

My best friend got me a book on female friendship for my birthday last year (along with a t-shirt that says ‘Happy Christmas from Nakatomi Plaza’ which together tell you all you need to know about our friendship!) This book is an anthology of excerpts from literature exploring the complexities of female friendship from childhood through adolescence into adulthood and through to coping with their loss.

I took this book away with me on a half term caravan holiday recently. A holiday booked at the start of the year and once it came one I desperately needed. I was feeling the start of burn out edging ever closer as I fuelled myself with adrenalin to get through each day – all the while knowing I was beginning to write cheques that my ever emptying body would struggle to cash. So in this headspace whilst managing a cortisol overload, I read this passage sharing a discussion between female friends:

But Val was not to be stopped. ‘I mean Mira, don’t you hear what you are saying? “Women’s greatness lies in their selflessness.” You might as well say a woman’s place is in the home.’ ….

Mira leaned back, half laughing. ‘Look, all I’m saying is that women are great because they get so little and give so much … They have so little room … but they don’t get bitter and mean, they try to make that little room graceful and harmonious’

The Virago Book of Friendship Edited by Rachel Cooke. Original text from The Women’s Room by Marilyn French

I folded down the corner of the page which I always do when I read something important and I set to pondering about what it meant to me. Because I have seen the bitterness that does come when women are too selfless for too long. Or more accurately when they are selfless over the wrong things. Because to be selfless also means to be selfish right? Saying yes to one thing means no to another. You cannot be selfless to all things and all people. There just isn’t enough to go around.

I was burnt out because I am at the start of building a new career in a role new to both the company and me. And whilst juggling that I am being a mother and a partner and a daughter and a sister and a friend. I care about all those roles deeply and I know we all do. We are selfless and I  therein does lie our beauty and our strength. That does really resonate with me. I can be on my knees with exhaustion and I will still find that precious help for those who ask for it.

But this was my problem. In my push to be a selfless support to my new colleagues I had been selfish to those whom I loved the most. I had allocating my precious resource towards the wrong priorities. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being a good colleague but selfless is about more than that. You have to prioritise and apply selfless. It’s a conscious decision of purposeful intent – to use the business terminology – it’s strategic. I had made sure my family were fed and watered but had I made sure they felt loved, connected, heard, and understood? Had I been strategically selfless? The answer was no and that was why I felt so disappointed in myself as the holiday progressed, the cortisol subsided, and I began to emotionally process.

Now I write this at the end of the first week back where I have made every effort to be more intentional with selflessness. I have prioritised time and communication with my daughter, my siblings, and my nieces and nephews; I have helped my partner out when he was working late (as he has done countless times for me!) and I have ensured to meet my own needs making time to exercise, eat well, and relax without looking at a laptop. After all, I am also someone who needs my selflessness. It’s only been seven days but being more purposeful has made me feel less disappointed with myself and more content with the beauty of being selfless.