A Mother’s Love

Nothing hurts like the relationship you don’t have but wish you did. I’m writing this as a piece for me so it’s going to be honest but who knows what I might do with it and where it might end up so if I’ve censored it slightly I hope you understand why.

The relationship I wish I had but I don’t is the one mothers and daughters should have. And I can hear the voices in my head saying that *should* is not a word to ever use – don’t let external influences tell me what my relationships have to be or not be and don’t allow the constructs of society to dictate my expectations. But I know I’m not. Something is setting my expectations – and you could argue there is something evolutionary at play here – but they do not come from society or any external influences.They come from me.

I am not a conventional mother. My daughter, born when I was 31, has spent 50% of her week with me and the remainder with her Dad since she was 3 years old. Sometimes I haven’t seen her for 14 days while she has been away. In contrast growing up my mother was always there. But rarely engaged. Presenteeism in parenting. In her defence, my Dad was particularly absent during those formative years from 12 to 18 at the end of which he kicked me out and I left home.

My relationship with my Dad has continued to be a rollercoaster. Just a few years ago he physically pushed me out of the holiday home we were in together because I was mad at him for not letting me have a front door key when I needed to get in for a work call. Long story but I manage my Dad and my expectations. Maybe because I am not a father myself it doesn’t feel like such a betrayal or maybe because we have the kind of toxic relationship that involves him apologising and making good for months afterwards which I humour. I made a decision in my mid 20s that I maintain a relationship with my Dad that I am happy with so I don’t feel guilty when he’s no longer here. Although sometimes I trick myself into thinking it could be something more – hence the holidaying together.

But with my Mum I want a relationship that feels right in my insides. In my soul. And I don’t have it. I could give so many examples of when I hope it will be better and I give more of myself than I should and I end up disappointed. Last year that all came to a bit of a head for me and I realised something needed to change.

Inside of me there lives a deep rooted fear now I am a mother of a daughter myself that those learned behaviours are too strong and years from now, my daughter will be writing a blog like this about me. I think that’s why I try so hard to make things better with my own Mum so I know there is always a way back. But I must remember that just like my daughter and I are not the same person, my Mum and I never will be either.

I don’t have the relationship I want with my Mum but I have decided that instead of wasting energy trying to, I am going to put it into the other family relationships I do have. Aunties, sisters, nieces. Uncles brothers, nephews. The family connection I want to feel, I will find elsewhere rather than continuing to look for it somewhere it does not – and most likely will not – exist. Those are the relationships that got me through my childhood and teenage years so its stands to reason they would get me through my middle age too!